i am happy here. i really am. i have met new people that have been amazing additions to my life. we have shared experiences and memories that i will last forever. i have rekindled old relationships into something deeper and stronger and that i also cherish. i enjoy my classes, i go to the top school in the nation for my major, and except for these negative four thousand degrees days, the weather isn’t even usually that bad.
except the thing that bothers me the most is that i don’t love it. i’m not as happy as i think i potentially could be. over break i was able to talk to some of my friends from high school and it just doesn’t seem like i’m having the crazy and amazing experiences i am. i didn’t really miss this place over break, i thought about my friends but i didn’t yearn to be back here and hanging out with them.
i feel like the same emotions are played out time and time again, and this one of being happy but not too happy, content but not joyous, it keeps coming around full circle. i just want to be happy and know that at some moment in time, there’s nothing more that i could want. it makes me uneasy to know that at any given moment, i could most definitely think of dozens of places or people i’d rather be then the moment i’m living. that’s not what life is about and that’s not how it should be lived.
does this mean that msu isn’t the right place for me? or does it mean that my heart is still healing and that i am growing as a person, so i’m just going through times in which i’m unsure of exactly what i want? when does one finally get out of the questioning, adolescent phase and finally just realize that this is what they want, this is where they need to be/what they need to do to accomplish that, and then they will life a life that feels complete and worth living more of the time.
i always sound so depressing.
but above all, we do have a great God.