Monthly Archives: January 2009

[inbetween] I’m trying a new thing..

it’s called positivity for a better tomorrow.  I’m really, really good and getting stuck in the past. Thinking about what was and why it was that way and in my mind, comparing everything of the present to how good it would have been at a certain point in history. I hate that!! I need to stop doing that and living in each moment as it comes.

I fear I’m missing out on my life because I’m too busy wallowing about things I’ve lost. I watched some Noomas this weekend and really gained a lot from it.

Rob really says it well when he says, “May you accept the past for what it is. May you celebrate what needs to be celebrated and grieve what needs to be grieved and then, ma you recieve from God a new spirit, one for here, now, today.”

That’s my goal for tomorrow. I want to accept a new spirit and allow myself to find joy in the little things. I want to see and feel each blessing and really live in the moment. I don’t want to feel sad about things being different, but rather I want to grasp the growth and change that has happened in my life in the past couple of months and see what a great thing it has been.

While I’m not the happiest girl, I have a good and great God, and right now that is more than enough for me.

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[inbetween] bad things happen in 3s

and today was proof.

1)woke up with a bloody nose. yea, DISGUSTING, i know, and yea, horrible way to wake up. boo for that.

2)apparantly bought the same book twice. both non-refundable. great. so now i wasted money on one of them and have to spend even more to buy the book i still need. so great since i have so much money right now and all too. yayyy.

3)blew the fuse for my dorm room, and of course blew the side of the room that has all the essentials plugged in- tv, dvd player, microwave, refrigerator… all that good stuff.

on the flip side, 3 not so annoyingly obnoxious things about today were

1) enjoying drew’s company as always, and being able to loosen up and laugh a little in the midst of a somewhat busy day/part of my week

2) going for a “walk” with carl to the new sparty’s in holden and then walking over to visit ross, and have one of our great talks along the way. so great, and such an enorous blessing to have someone to vent to and share my frustrations with. thank you Jesus!!

3) laughing about childhood with 2 of my best friends and compiling a fun list of things that we remember. laughing with mike dendrinos about being kids and old pictures. talking with jonah for 10 minutes or so and laughing about karen pizarek and singing loudly and… high school musical? it was great to just have a good, hearty laugh!

today was busy, but at the same time, not. obama is president- gobama!

tomorrow will be mediocrely busy and then there’s a basketball game tomorrow night that i *shock* actually plan on attending (i have season tickets and have gone to 1.5 games. i know, i know..)

okay. bedtime like what. joshua radin is luring me in.

praise God from whom all blessings flow.

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[inbetween]

i am such a pessimist. when did that happen? i used to be the obnoxious, outrageous, optimistic smiley blonde girl. when did that change? how did i become so depressing and morph into the debbie downer that i am today?

i want to change that. i want to be happy. i want to be content. i want to not want so many things and just learn to cherish the many blessings that i recieve everyday. my problem is that i’m so busy complaining about how much life sucks and how unhappy i am that i can’t even see all of the little things that are so good.

in light of hopes of a happier week, i’m going to talk about why today was a good day and ignore all of the things that made me crazy.

the sun shined (shone?) today. it was a joy to drive around with sunglasses on, and not just any sunglasses, but aviators. and hey, who doesn’t feel like a cooler person when they are wearing aviators?

i got to drive! it was great to be able to drive today. driving is such a huge stress releaser for me and being able to cruise in my car brings a calm over me, so that was great.

i had lunch with mallory and it was so great to talk to someone that i don’t get to see all of the time. we are so similar in how we act, react, and think about situations so it was great to hear her take on my life, and me on hers. i love catching up with friends and doing it over food just makes it so much more enjoyable. i loved it.

i love how much closer i’ve gotten with evan this year. i really feel as if he is one of the biggest blessings (person wise) that i’ve gotten over the past 5 years. i have traveled a long journey with him and witness him grow in incredible ways. he is such an inspiration to me as a real person with real struggles whom still strives to walk step in step with Christ everyday. i love hearing about his life and getting his advice about things going on in my life. i am able to get a real perspective but also the christian perspective. while he tells me to pray about things and entrust my problems fully in Jesus, he understands that it can (and will) continue to eat away and me and will tell me what he would do. i feel that I have grown and learned so much from our friendship.

i had such a great time reading through forgotten memories and looking at old treasures. reading my old journals, dripping with tales of love and happiness, reminds me that everything will be okay. there is so much more to life than what i am feeling in this moment and someday i can read back on how i’m feeling now and again smile, knowing that it made me who i am then.

it was truly inspiring to read about the profound love i felt as a child and excites me to meet someone as brilliant and enchanting, someone that will again sweep me off my feet and leave me catching my breathe. someone who makes me want to be the best possible person of me, someone that knows how many sugars i want in my tea and where i want to be kissed and when. while i am often the first one to feel down and impatient, i know that eventually all of this anxiety, fear, and sadness will pay off as i say “i do,” and prepare to spend the rest of my life with my true love. sappy, right? i’ve always been somewhat of a sap. 🙂

i guess when i focus on the good things, it makes me hard to make the day seem anything but an overall fine day.

this is something i need to work on!

Lord, please help me remember to cherish the beautify in life and to stop and smell the flowers! I have trouble remembering to enjoy the ride. I’m so antsy to make it to the finish line so that my life can “begin” and I know that isn’t how it works. Help me to focus on my schoolworks and the wonderful relationships that are right before my eyes here at school. Help me to love others as best I can and to be the best possible version of myself.

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[inbetween]

i am happy here. i really am. i have met new people that have been amazing additions to my life. we have shared experiences and memories that i will last forever. i have rekindled old relationships into something deeper and stronger and that i also cherish. i enjoy my classes, i go to the top school in the nation for my major, and except for these negative four thousand degrees days, the weather isn’t even usually that bad.

except the thing that bothers me the most is that i don’t love it. i’m not as happy as i think i potentially could be. over break i was able to talk to some of my friends from high school and it just doesn’t seem like i’m having the crazy and amazing experiences i am. i didn’t really miss this place over break, i thought about my friends but i didn’t yearn to be back here and hanging out with them.

i feel like the same emotions are played out time and time again, and this one of being happy but not too happy, content but not joyous, it keeps coming around full circle. i just want to be happy and know that at some moment in time, there’s nothing more that i could want. it makes me uneasy to know that at any given moment, i could most definitely think of dozens of places or people i’d rather be then the moment i’m living. that’s not what life is about and that’s not how it should be lived.

does this mean that msu isn’t the right place for me? or does it mean that my heart is still healing and that i am growing as a person, so i’m just going through times in which i’m unsure of exactly what i want? when does one finally get out of the questioning, adolescent phase and finally just realize that this is what they want, this is where they need to be/what they need to do to accomplish that, and then they will life a life that feels complete and worth living more of the time.

i always sound so depressing.

but above all, we do have a great God.

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